After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists’ Ball:
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn’t up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.
Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Hawking said he’d try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are staying in a hotel. Outside their rooms, a fire erupts.
The physicist steps outside to see the fire along with a bucket and water spigot. He simply fills the bucket with water and pours it on the flames until they go out then returns to bed.
The engineer steps outside to see the fire along with the bucket and water spigot. He meticulously calculates the amount of water needed and the rate of flow to most efficiently and effectively put out the fire. After a few minutes and a couple tests, the fire is extinguished.
The mathematician steps outside and sees the fire. He also notices the bucket and water spigot and exclaims “There exists a solution!” and returns to bed.
Q: Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.
A Houston construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Louisiana Cajun. “You gotta pass my test first”, he told the applicant.
“Here’s your first question.”
“Without using numbers represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Cajun says. “Dat’s easy,” and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
“What’s this?” the foreman asks.
“Well, tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Cajun.
“Fair enough,” replies the foreman. “Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” ! ;
“Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!”
“All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Cajun stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “Ere you go. One hundred!”
The foreman looks at the attempt. “How in the world does this represent a hundred?”
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
“A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one ‘undred.
So when do I start work?”
An engineer is walking down the street, and sees another guy from his lab walking along with a new bright red motorcycle. He’s impressed, especially since his friend doesn’t know how to ride a motorcycle, so he goes up and asks, “Wow, where’d you get that?”
His friend explains, “Well, I walk walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, ‘Take what you want!’”
The engineer nods in understanding. “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
Q – Who was the first computer technician?
A – Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading “WHERE AM I?” and hold it up for the building’s occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer.”
A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician were having a conversation about the relative benefits of wives and mistresses.
The doctor insisted that, from a health perspective, it was far better to have a wife. He talked about stress, relaxation, routine, and other factors.
The lawyer contended that it was better to have a mistress, because that way you retain more of your legal rights, she doesn’t own half your property, and so forth.
The mathematician said that he could see both sides of that argument, but really he thought it was best to have both.
“Both?”, the doctor and the lawyer exclaimed. “Why?”
“Sure, both. That way, when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you’re with the wife, you can sneak off by yourself and do mathematics.”
There was a programmer named Gus
Who spent all his nights in a fuss.
As he lay in his bed
All that went through his head
Was: while (!asleep()) sheep++;
Pick-Up Lines to use on Mathematics Chicks
You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Are you a differentiable function? Because I’d like to be tangent to your curves!
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.
Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid’s “Elements”?
I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.
Heisenberg was speeding down the street when he gets pulled over by a cop:
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but i know exactly where i am!
One night, there’s sin, tan and cos together around a campfire, while e^x is all by himself. A polinomial goes by and asks him why he isn’t with the others. e^x says: “I tried to integrate myself, but nothing ever happens.”
Funny Unix commands:
% cat “food in cans”
cat: can’t open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% “How would you rate George Bush’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go? ^
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (’s.
% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
Did you hear about the programmer that got stuck in his shower for a week?
The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat.
A man was driving his Porsche down the road. He stops for a stop sign and notices a frog in the middle of the road. The frog says to the programmer ‘Hey you in the car. I’m not really a frog. I used to be a beautiful princess. If you kiss me, I will turn back into a princess and in return I will give you the best night of sex you’ve ever had.’ The computer programmer mumbles, ’sure, yeah.’ He picks up the frog and then continues down the road. The frog then says, ‘OK look. If you kiss me, I’ll give you a whole week of incredible sex.’ The programmer mumbles, ’sure, yeah.’ The frog says more forcably this time, ‘Look maybe you don’t understand. I’m tired of being a frog. If you kiss me I’ll give you the best sex you’ve ever had for the rest of your entire life.’ Once again the programmer mumbles ’sure, yeah.’ Finally the frog says, ‘Well can you at least tell me why you won’t kiss me?’ The computer programmer says ‘Well you see I’m a computer programmer and don’t have much time for sex. But a talking frog is really neat!’
A logician tells a colleague his wife just had a baby.
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Yes.
C isn’t that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
A processors nightmare:
0101…011101…012!
Norton: Incoming virus – (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
God is real…(unless declared integer)
NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can’t read any of them
I’m sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998 )
Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost
Windows 98 supports real multitasking – it can boot and crash simultaneously
Blackholes produce when the compiler ignores the “division by zero” error.
Invalid password : Please enter the correct password (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Press every key to continue
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
Best file compression around: “rm *.*” = 100% compression
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
You know it’s love when you memorize her IP address to skip DNS overhead
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
A proton and an electron having a dispute:
Electron: “Are u sure?!?”
Proton: “Yes, I’m positive !”
2 programmers who haven’t met for some time:
- Hey,how’s you life?
- Default…
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him:
- “What’s wrong?”
Byte says:
- “Parity error.”
Bartender nods and says:
- “Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off.”
Shakespeare said : “#define QUESTION (tb) || !(tb)”
Una buna! (Miorita in varianta matematica):
Pe-un picior de PLAN
EUCLIDIAN
Iata vin in cale
TRANSLATAND la vale,
Trei MULTIMI de PUNCTE
Toate trei DISJUNCTE
De FUNCTII pazite
Toate diferite.
Ele sunt tot trei :
Una-i INJECTIVA,
Alta-i BIJECTIVA,
Si-alta-i SURJECTIVA.
Iar cea INJECTIVA
Si cea SURJECTIVA,
Mari se vorbira
Si se sfatuira
Sa ramana treze
Pana-o sa-nsereze
Si s-o ANULEZE
Pe cea BIJECTIVA,
C-are PRIMITIVA
Si ASIMPTOTE multe
Cate si mai cate,
Ca e INVERSABILA
Si chiar DERIVABILA.
Dar intr-o MULTIME
Asta s-a aflat
Si s-au indignat
C-ale lor cuvinte
Intrec orice LIMITE.
Dar de la f(0)-ncoace
Unui PUNCT nu-i place
Sa mai stea-n MULTIME
Si de treaba a se tine.
BIJECTIVA se-ntreba :
-PUNCTUL asta ce-o avea?
Si se duse
Si ii spuse :
- Draga PUNCTULETUL meu
Ce rau,oare ,iti fac eu,
Sau nu-ti place poate
C-ai COORDONATE
NATURALE toate?
Vrei sa stai mai jos
Crezi ca-i mai frumos ?
Nu vrei un` te-am pus
Vrei cumva mai sus?
-Draga BIJECTIVA
Eu chiar dimpotriva,
Ma simt foarte bine
Dar e rau de tine!
Cand o sa-nsereze,
Vor sa te-ANULEZE
Functia INJECTIVA
Si cea SURJECTIVA.
-Daca s-o-ntampla
De m-or ANULA
Sa ma-ngropi in zori
In CAMP DE VECTORI
Intr-o VECINATATE
Pe-aici pe-aproape
Sau chiar in MULTIME
Sa fiti tot cu mine.
Iar la cap sa-mi pui
CALCUL INTEGRAL
Ori un MANUAL
Sau poate-un TRATAT
Cat mai inspirat
Si de l-or citi
Isi vor aminti
Cei ce au uitat
Ca am existat
Si voi fi propusa
! In SUBIECTE inclusa
Pentru OLIMPIADA
Sau BALCANIADA.
Si-n loc de ANULAT
Sa le spui curat
C-am INTERSECTAT
Mindrele ELIPSE
Ca am PUNCTE FIXE
RADACINI REALE
Si IMAGINARE
Si ca am DARBOUX.
Dar mai afla tu
Ca de-oi intalni
O SFERA batrana
Cu un CERC de lana
Prin SPATIU alergand
Si la toti zicand :
- Cine mi-a vazut
Sau mi-a cunoscut
O FUNCTIE – AFINA
Cu o PANTA lina
Bine DEFINITA
Si NEMARGINITA ?
Sa te-nduri de ea
Si sa-i spui asa :
C-am INTERSECTAT
Mandrele ELIPSE
Ca am PUNCTE FIXE
Radacini COMPLEXE
Si ca am DARBOUX.
Dar nu-i spune tu
De cele REALE
Ca de-i povesti
Mult ai s-o mahnesti
Si va sti de-ndat
Ca m-au ANULAT.
Si inca te mai rog
Ca-ntre colegi buni
Tot ce am avut
Tu! sa le aduni
Sa le scoti din SPATIUL
Cu trei DIMENSIUNI,
Iar tu dragul meu
Sa te INTEGREZI
Sa te ANEXEZI
La alta MULTIME
Ca-i greu fara mine
Dar iti va fi bine
Si vei rezista
cat va EXISTA
MATEMATICA !
I: Ce-i mai mica si mai mica decat putza de furnica?
R: Un epsilon considerabil ales!
Erau doua siruri…
Intra intr-un bar si unul dintre ei spune:
“Salut, vreau si eu un bloody maryrhe7954454gh2kjn.,.43>>[][]21?24″
Al doilea sir spune:
“Scuzati-l pe prietenul meu, nu este null-terminated…”
Semnele de la tastatura s-au gîndit sa dea o petrecere, dar nu voiau sa-l invite pe ‘punct’. Punctul îsi ia inima în dinti si pleaca la petrecere.La poarta, bodygarzi ‘escape’ si ‘delete’:- Cine esti tu?- Eu sînt steluta, dar m-am dat cu gel…
Operatorul de derivare se plimba jmecher prin domeniul lui de definitie. Da de o functie cu nasul pe sus.
“Bai polinomialo’! Cum iti permiti sa fii asa de infumurata? Stii cine sunt eu?”
“Ash, cine-o fi tu?”
“Eu sunt operatorul de derivare, sunt d/dx, mancatzi-as eu tie primitivele!”
Si ia operatorul functia o deriveaza o data, de doua ori, de trei ori, de grad(f) ori, o anuleaza.
Mai merge ce mai merge, mai anuleaza vreo doua, trei functii, da de cea mai infumurata functie.
“Bai funtie, tu stii cine sunt eu?”
“Hai, baga, cine esti?”
“Eu sunt operatorul de derivare, sunt d/dx mancatzi-as!”
Si ia operatorul functia, o deriveaza o data, de doua ori, de 3 ori, de n ori, nimic.
“Vezi bah cand te pui cu cine nu trebuie! Eu sunt e^x , din clanu’ lu Cinfinit!”
Operatorul de derivare se plimba smecher prin domeniul lui de definitie. Iar da de aceasta functie infumarata
“Iar venisi mah, nu ti-am mai zis? Eu sunt e^x din clanu lui Cinfinit!”
“Da mah, da…vezi tu? Eu sunt d/dy”
Un mecanic, un electrician si un programator…in masina…se strica masina… se apuca mecanicu’ o desface pana la ultimu’ surub o face la loc si nimic…vine electricianu’ freaca partea electirca pe toate partile si nimic…la care programatoru’…hai sa ne dam cu toii jos si sa ne urcam inapoi.
Se duce Fat Frumos sa omoare balaurul fioros. Ajunge la grota, paseste darz, apare balaurul cu doua capete. Fat Frumos scoate sabia si i le taie. Imediat cresc alte 4 capete in loc. Fat Frumos le taie si pe aceastea si alte 8 capete rasar imediat. Le taie pe astea 8, cresc alte 16. Le taie si pe aceastea si deodata cresc 32. Munceste Fat Frumos sa taie toate cele 32 de capete, pac! 64. Taie. Apoi 128. Taie. Apoi 256. Taie. Apoi brusc balaurul muri.
- De ce?
- Era un balaur pe 8 biti.
4 Studenti la informatica vor sa dea un bairam.
Primul: Bai, daca e bairam, trebuie bautura. Ma ocup eu. O naveta de bere si doua sticle de whiskyan e bine?
Al doilea: Bai, daca e bairam si avem bautura, trebuie si mancare sa ne dregem. Ma ocup eu. Friptura cu cartofi prajiti e bine?
Al treilea: Bai, daca e bairam cu alcoale si potol trebuie si ceva muzica sa facilitam consumul. Ma ocup eu. Aduc combina si colectiile mele de muzica, e bine?
Al patrulea: Bai, daca e bairam si avem bautura, mancare si muzica, e musai sa avem si femei. Ma ocup eu. 10 Giga e bine?
Doi profesori de matematica, Ion si Vasile, iau masa la un restaurant si discuta aprins despre nivelul de cunostinte matematice ale populatiei in general. Ion este de parere ca nivelul acestor cunostinte este foarte, foarte scazut si ca trebuie facut ceva in sensul asta, in timp ce Vasile considera ca nivelul este absolut satisfacator, ca omul de rand stie chiar mai multa matematica decat are nevoie.
La un moment dat, Ion pleaca pana la toaleta si Vasile se gandeste ca e momentul sa profite de aceasta situatie. Asa ca o cheama pe chelnerita si ii spune:
- Domnisoara, va dau 100 de mii daca ma ajutati si pe mine intr-o mica problema.
- Sigur, spuneti.
- Cand se intoarce prietenul meu de la baie, o sa va pun o intrebare. O sa sune ciudat, dar nu va faceti nici un fel de griji, doar sa raspundeti X la a 3-a pe 3. Credeti ca ma puteti ajuta?
- Sigur, nici o problema.
Ii da suta si tipa pleaca multumita. Se intoarce Ion de la baie si Vasile ii spune:
- Uite, ca sa-ti dovedesc ca am dreptate, o sa-ti dau un exemplu. Hai sa luam o persoana oarecare, de exemplu chelnerita care ne serveste, si sa o intrebam cat este integrala din X patrat. Eu fac pariu cu tine pe ce vrei tu ca stie raspunsul.
- Fugi dom’le de aici, fii serios, hai sa incercam sa-i dam niste calcule aritmetice, ceva mai usor, cum iti inchipui ca poate sa stie cat ese integrala din X patrat…
- Eu zic ca stie. Facem pariu pe un milion?
- S-a facut, iti spun de-acum c-am castigat pariul, zice Ion.
O cheama Vasile pe chelnerita si ii spune:
- Domnisoara, eu si prietenul meu am avut o mica discutie si ne-ati fi de mare ajutor, daca ne-ati raspunde la o intrebare. Puteti sa ne spuneti cat este integrala din X patrat?
- X la a 3-a pe 3, raspunde tipa foarte calma.
Ion se uita stupefiat la chelnerita, in timp ce Vasile il priveste triumfator.
Dupa cateva secunde tipa continua:
- Plus o constanta.
File de jurnal… din jurnalul unei neveste de programator…
August 16:
Azi l-am cunoscut pe Vasile. Are niste ochi verzi… absolut superbi!
Mi-a spus ca e programator. Asta e bine. Eu ador programele… de
exemplu “dintr-un chef in altul”!!! Ce bine ar fi sa ne cuplam !
August 21:
Ne-am cuplat! A fost foarte romantic… soare… cascada… un cerb
ce-si stingea setea din apa cristalina… si toate astea pe mousepad-ul
pe care ne-am culcat. Un pic ma apasa monitorul pe spate,dar cand mi-a
spus ca are 22 toli, m-am gandit sa astept pana la capat. Saracutul meu
Vasile, e un pic neindemanatic. Cand am intrebat ce cauta de atata timp,
mi-a raspuns ca nu gaseste input-ul… Cand a reusit, ca sa mearga mai
usor data urmatoare, a luat un marker si a scris pe burta mea: CLICK
HERE !!! Sper ca
nu inseamna vreo porcarie!
Septembrie 2:
Il ador pe Vasile, mai ales imi place ca e in stare sa se uite la
stirile de seara fara sa clipeasca o singura data! Mi-a spus ca daca-l
iubesc cu adevarat, imi tai parul. L-am taiat. Acum si in cele mai
frumoase momente al iubirii noastre poate sa vada monitorul. Din pacate,
in clipa aceea Vasile parca ingheata complet. Ma enerveaza asta!
Octombrie 14:
Azi ne-am casatorit. Au venit toti prietenii lui. Toti programatori.
Atatea occhelari n-am mai vazut la un loc decat in magazinele
specializate!!! Mi-a fost un pic rusine cand a trebuit sa semnam la
Starea Civila, si am realizat ca nu stie sa scrie cu mana… Noroc ca in
camera alaturata era o tastatura,asa ca a scris rapid:”V”. Exact cum isi
semneaza si E-mailurile…
Despre noaptea nuntii a declarat ca a fost cea mai fantastica noapte din
viata lui! Pentru ca… in sfarsit a reusit sa sparga codul si sa intre
prin internet intr-unul din fisierele secrete ale unei biblioteci din
Columbia.
Octombrie 16:
Luna de miere am petrecut-o deasupra Americii. Vasile e foarte dragut.
In fiecare zi imi arata in direct imaginea Americii prin satelit,sa
vedem cum e vremea. Stiai ca in Visconsin sunt 13 grade Celsius acum? Ca
eu nu stiam… Deci luna de miere e foarte palpitanta.
Noiembrie 4:
Ma plictisesc. Mi-am cumparat un papagal. Acum am cu cine povesti.
Noiembrie 11:
Azi am incercat sa-i atrag atentia asupra mea. Am tras aer adanc in
piept si, imbracata doar cu niste chilotei negrii de dantela si un bici
in mana, m-am pus in fata monitorului. Stiam ca m-a observat, ca a
CLIPIT!!! A zambit, si chiar M-A MANGAIAT! “Ok” – a zis el – “iti arat
situl fetitelor sado-masochiste, daca chiar te intereseaza!”
Decembrie 2:
Pe neasteptate, pauza de curent! Uraaaaa!!! M-a mangaia tandru la lumina
lumanarilor… m-a muscat usor de ureche, si m-a intrebat in soapta…
“Pot sa-ti cer ceva neobisnuit?” Fericita, am zis DA.. si in urmatoarele
4 ore jumate am pedalat la generatorul de curent…
Decembrie 13:
Nici sa vorbesc nu mai e nevoie. Papagalul trancane intr-una, iar el ii
raspunde din cand in cand… “Da,draga!”
Ianuarie 4:
Incep sa ma satur de el. Fac o ultima incercare. Am cumparat vopsea, si
timp de o jumatate de zi am reusit sa pictez o tastatura pe mine. Am
avut grija sa notez pe ea tot: CONTROL,TAB,ALT,DELETE,SHIFT… El a
zambit. A apasat CONTROL+ALT+DEL si s-a intors la calculatorul lui.
Asta a umplut paharul! Asta cere razbunare!!!
Ianuarie 5:
Prietena mea Gina – sotul ei e tot un obsedat de calculatoare – m-a
invatat. Ma pregatesc de o crima oribila. Am pus ceasul sa sune la 3.30.
In zori o sa dau drumul incet la calculator, si o sa scriu cu grija:
FORMAT C!
HAHAHAHA!!! Cu asta, tampita aia de masinarie va uita tot ce stie!
Ianuarie 6:
La 3.30 m-am trezit, dar Vasile era in fata calculatorului. Am pus in
pat, in locul meu, papagalul, m-am imbracat si l-am parasit pentru
totdeauna!
Anul 2012, August 4:
De ani de zile nu l-am vazut pe Vasile. Acum traiesc cu Stefan. El nu e
programator. Asa ca am nevoie de chilotei negrii de dantela si de bici.
Le voi aduce de la Vasile. Norocul meu, n-a schimbat iala. Deja din hol
am auzit papagalul trancanind, si vocea lui Vasile: “Da,draga…”
