After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists’ Ball:
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn’t up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.
Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Hawking said he’d try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are staying in a hotel. Outside their rooms, a fire erupts.
The physicist steps outside to see the fire along with a bucket and water spigot. He simply fills the bucket with water and pours it on the flames until they go out then returns to bed.
The engineer steps outside to see the fire along with the bucket and water spigot. He meticulously calculates the amount of water needed and the rate of flow to most efficiently and effectively put out the fire. After a few minutes and a couple tests, the fire is extinguished.
The mathematician steps outside and sees the fire. He also notices the bucket and water spigot and exclaims “There exists a solution!” and returns to bed.
Q: Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.
A Houston construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Louisiana Cajun. “You gotta pass my test first”, he told the applicant.
“Here’s your first question.”
“Without using numbers represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Cajun says. “Dat’s easy,” and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
“What’s this?” the foreman asks.
“Well, tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Cajun.
“Fair enough,” replies the foreman. “Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” ! ;
“Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!”
“All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Cajun stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “Ere you go. One hundred!”
The foreman looks at the attempt. “How in the world does this represent a hundred?”
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
“A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one ‘undred.
So when do I start work?”
An engineer is walking down the street, and sees another guy from his lab walking along with a new bright red motorcycle. He’s impressed, especially since his friend doesn’t know how to ride a motorcycle, so he goes up and asks, “Wow, where’d you get that?”
His friend explains, “Well, I walk walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, ‘Take what you want!’”
The engineer nods in understanding. “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
Q – Who was the first computer technician?
A – Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading “WHERE AM I?” and hold it up for the building’s occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer.”
A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician were having a conversation about the relative benefits of wives and mistresses.
The doctor insisted that, from a health perspective, it was far better to have a wife. He talked about stress, relaxation, routine, and other factors.
The lawyer contended that it was better to have a mistress, because that way you retain more of your legal rights, she doesn’t own half your property, and so forth.
The mathematician said that he could see both sides of that argument, but really he thought it was best to have both.
“Both?”, the doctor and the lawyer exclaimed. “Why?”
“Sure, both. That way, when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you’re with the wife, you can sneak off by yourself and do mathematics.”
There was a programmer named Gus
Who spent all his nights in a fuss.
As he lay in his bed
All that went through his head
Was: while (!asleep()) sheep++;
Pick-Up Lines to use on Mathematics Chicks
You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Are you a differentiable function? Because I’d like to be tangent to your curves!
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.
Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid’s “Elements”?
I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.
Heisenberg was speeding down the street when he gets pulled over by a cop:
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but i know exactly where i am!
One night, there’s sin, tan and cos together around a campfire, while e^x is all by himself. A polinomial goes by and asks him why he isn’t with the others. e^x says: “I tried to integrate myself, but nothing ever happens.”
Funny Unix commands:
% cat “food in cans”
cat: can’t open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% “How would you rate George Bush’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go? ^
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (’s.
% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
Did you hear about the programmer that got stuck in his shower for a week?
The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat.
A man was driving his Porsche down the road. He stops for a stop sign and notices a frog in the middle of the road. The frog says to the programmer ‘Hey you in the car. I’m not really a frog. I used to be a beautiful princess. If you kiss me, I will turn back into a princess and in return I will give you the best night of sex you’ve ever had.’ The computer programmer mumbles, ’sure, yeah.’ He picks up the frog and then continues down the road. The frog then says, ‘OK look. If you kiss me, I’ll give you a whole week of incredible sex.’ The programmer mumbles, ’sure, yeah.’ The frog says more forcably this time, ‘Look maybe you don’t understand. I’m tired of being a frog. If you kiss me I’ll give you the best sex you’ve ever had for the rest of your entire life.’ Once again the programmer mumbles ’sure, yeah.’ Finally the frog says, ‘Well can you at least tell me why you won’t kiss me?’ The computer programmer says ‘Well you see I’m a computer programmer and don’t have much time for sex. But a talking frog is really neat!’
A logician tells a colleague his wife just had a baby.
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Yes.
C isn’t that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
A processors nightmare:
0101…011101…012!
Norton: Incoming virus – (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
God is real…(unless declared integer)
NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can’t read any of them
I’m sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998 )
Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost
Windows 98 supports real multitasking – it can boot and crash simultaneously
Blackholes produce when the compiler ignores the “division by zero” error.
Invalid password : Please enter the correct password (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Press every key to continue
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
Best file compression around: “rm *.*” = 100% compression
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
You know it’s love when you memorize her IP address to skip DNS overhead
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
A proton and an electron having a dispute:
Electron: “Are u sure?!?”
Proton: “Yes, I’m positive !”
2 programmers who haven’t met for some time:
- Hey,how’s you life?
- Default…
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him:
- “What’s wrong?”
Byte says:
- “Parity error.”
Bartender nods and says:
- “Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off.”
Shakespeare said : “#define QUESTION (tb) || !(tb)”
hello,
Thank you for the great quality of your blog, every time i come here, i’m amazed.
black hattitude.